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pikachuita's Blog


Should I even try?

My name is Haley, I have been with a boy named Cesar since a little after my mom died in feb. my father was still battling cancer. He wanted to go to a hospice place in Michigan. Cesar held my hand and gave me a push. I then found myself on an airplane. Hours after I am at my daddy's bedside. Combing his hair and listening to his heart. My daddy and I had the strongest bond. We were All we had. We had each other. I will never forget the day I left him. Because it was the last time I would ever see him. I knew this but I didn't want to accept it. He grabbed my hand tightly. I kiss his forhead. I was trying to hide my tears because daddy hated to see my cry. He kept telling me not to cry. But he too had tears in his eyes. I cried all the way home. I called him frequently. And then one night I was showering. My cousin came into the bathroom and handed me the phone. My grandma told me the news and I went numb. I fell to my knees an screamed until my voice was hoarse. My cousin called Cesar because he couldn't calm me down. And him telling me not to cry. His love. Literally saved me from taking my own life. We grow ever closer every day.... We were trying to have a baby. After 5 months of trying we knew something was wrong. We went to a GYN. I got tested. A week later I go the news. I have herpes. At first I didn't know what to do. The nurse telling me this was actually laughing while telling me this. LAUGHING. Like it was okay to have this. I have never had an std. I have never had an outbreak. I told Cesar. I cried. I cried because I have lost everything. And everytime I try to make something of myself something catostrophic happens. He told me it was like a tatto and we would have it together. He loves me that much. I was worried. I told him my thoughts. I was asking myself who I'd I get this from? Who else has this because of me? I cried at the thought of ruining someone's life. He got on his knees and told asked me if I would be this upset if he were the one who infected me. I told him honestly I would feel a lot better. And I won't leave him. I don't know what I would do without him. But right now.... Should we keep trying to have kids? We're both infected. Would it hit the baby?

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Should I even try?, posted November 28th, 2012

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